A part of me wants to apologize for not sticking to my original plan of monthly posts, while another is okay with giving myself grace and allowing this choice of flexibility. I’ll choose to accept both contrasting thoughts and recognize the simultaneous duality of the two. 

With that being said, hello and welcome back. 

We’re just shy of two years since the last post. I’ve opened my notepad on several occasions to get this post together, but could never quite finish it. I always felt like something was missing. Its release felt premature. Glad I listened to myself because I’ve finally come to know that the teacher hadn’t finished His lesson. 

So much has changed. For starters, I’ve gained a new obsession — it’s so simple, yet so comforting! I’ve been watching Waiting to Exhale, the movie directed by Forest Whitaker, non-stop. It’s like a weekly thing, sometimes multiple times a week. I am already aware that watching Waiting to Exhale is not one’s typical vice to achieve consolation. Four women navigating the normal struggles of life, bonding over their difficulties of finding and staying in healthy romantic relationships…? Dating married men? Throwing oranges at a drug addict from a balcony? Getting divorced because your husband is leaving you for his mistress after you sacrificed your dreams to be his lover and secretary for eleven years?… Without doubt this film does not fall into the light-hearted, warm and fuzzy category. It’s melodramatic for sure. But it has been comforting, for me. 

I’ve also discovered that there isn’t an easy way to move through grief. There are days when I am completely fine, filled with gratitude that I have memories to cherish. There are days when I am equitably angry, filled with sadness as my prayers to time travel go unanswered. Then, there are days when I experience a combination of it all and believe things happened the way they needed to. I’ve discovered that grief is a childish menace, playing this one sided game of hide and seek — it chooses to camouflage itself in the most ordinary spots, patiently waiting to be found by the unaware “seeker”. It hides in your favorite movie, an ice cream cone, or a simple act of brushing your hair. & when found it triggers a vivid evocation reminding you of what is no longer. So you have to take it day by day, & allow yourself to become more comfortable with its presence. 

Life has been life-ing. Time really doesn’t wait for anyone. It continues to move no matter what you are going through, no matter what emotional state you are in, no matter what. It’s a constant transition. Sometimes you’re able to move with the current, and other times the waves crash against you. 

Waiting to Exhale has been the theme of my life since my last post. Now, don’t read into that thinking I’ve been away soley because of some issues in my romantic life like the characters in the movie. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves now. Besides, I promised myself years ago to never again dishonor myself for a little romance (& I have a ring to prove it!) But like I said, life has been life-ing. So many transitions, and all at once. God told me to hang on & stay close to Him,and I had to do what I was told. I’m so glad that I listened, & was confident in knowing He was going to be here through it all. I’ve moved, changed jobs twice, received raises & promotions, found a new therapist, experienced a little romance, gained some weight, lost some weight, lost loved ones, gained new friends, improved old relationships…. literally nothing in my life is the same. I’ve had to take inventory of who is in my life, what is in my life, my habits …everything. 

I’m happy to be back to myself though, no longer fighting against the current. As Bernadine said to Gloria, “here’s to peace of mind and all the happiness your heart and hand can hold cause Lord knows you deserve it.”

I can finally breathe.

July is my birthday month. & I’ve kind of created this ritual for myself where every year, leading up to the day, I take time to reflect and plan. In many ways this ritual is similar to others’ process of setting their resolutions each New Year — strive to lose weight, plan to save and/or invest money, aim to go back to school, etc. However, I typically also fill that period of introspection with some sort of activity. I paint more, get a manicure & pedicure, take myself out for drinks, etc. Now, don’t get me wrong, I do these activities throughout the year, but in July I make it a point to do these things to care for and show value in myself just a little bit more. There’s a purpose.

“& she loved herself with intent, then loved a little harder” — the quote in my IG bio has pretty much become my motto. I was about twenty-one years old when I first began to affirm myself with this quote. It started as a gentle reminder for myself to begin, and then continue, to develop a purposeful relationship with myself. I was heading into my senior year of college and had difficulty answering that classic interview question “so, tell me about yourself?”. Meaningful words always seemed to escape my mind, and surely my lips, at every attempt to respond to the one curious enough to ask. I could easily run off my resume, share the accolades I had collected or the goals I had lined up, and could tell you how hardworking and dependable I was. I could also tell you who I wasn’t. Or, if needed, as our Mama’s would say, “I could show you better than I could tell you”. But who was I? 

Who was I? Who am I? To have the ability to answer these questions one would need to have a knowledge of self, outside of the physical world. What components form my identity? & in addition, was my identity in alignment with whom I desired to be?

One early Saturday morning, I jumped out of bed and took myself on a walk around campus. If any of you have ever been on Tuskegee University’s campus during the fall, after the leaves have turned a brown-orange, you know just how calming that walk had been. There was a dewy mist in the air that hugged my body, a fresh scent of newly cut grass & the other students were still quietly in their dorms. I began to question my existence, reflecting on how I saw myself and how I presented to the world. I considered my past, present and future self. A Reality Check. I acknowledged how angry I had been, how judgemental I had become, and how insecure I truly was. Then I set goals for who I desired to become: how my mind would operate, what my body would look like, how my soul would feel, the titles I would hold and how I would be viewed by the people around me. 

I still do this exercise from time to time, it’s actually a part of my birthday ritual now. And to be honest, though it’s simple, this exercise is one of the most important things I do to celebrate my birth. Over the years, I have kept those words from that initial reality check in my journal. Those words serve as a way to review the milestones I’ve crossed & to ensure that I am progressing into the woman of my dreams. This exercise puts my life into perspective.

So, just like every July, I spent the past month intentionally loving on myself. I did have to be a bit creative with planning my acts of love due to COVID again this year, but I thoroughly enjoyed myself and felt extremely loved. I can truly say if someone today were to ask me that question “so, tell me about yourself” I could authentically talk for hours, and probably never run out of things to say. (It’s the self love for me! LOL). 

If you’re interested in completing my reality check birthday ritual, download below! I swear every moment spent with yourself is worth it! 

& Thank you everyone for the birthday wishes!

P.S. Shout out to all of my Cancer zodiac brothers & sisters, ruled by the moon! Happy belated birthday! 

It’s difficult to articulate but the more I have shared my thoughts with other people the clearer my words have become. Almost every aspect of my life is fluid right now, it’s movements are slow and easily changing. At times I feel like I’m drowning, other times I’m walking on water. The one thing that has remained is my relationship with God — in fact, it’s actually strengthening. I knew this [birth] year was going to be ‘interesting’ simply because of how 2019 ended. It wasn’t a bad ending, it was freeing and great for my soul primarily because what happened had been prolonged for years. I had began a new season of life, reached a new level. But with this new level came new challenges requiring a new me (New year, new me headahh).

I’ve matured to where all I want to do is live according to God’s plan. With each recent change I’ve looked to Him, prayerful and asking for direction & clarification, only to not receive a response. & After going months of having one ended conversations, I still have yet to receive instruction for my next move. Ive been doing what I normally do— I pray, attend YouTube Church of God in Christ, praise & wait. STILL NOTHING. I can’t hear His voice. Like, God, we’ve been good up to this point. Why leave me now? Especially when my life is ‘falling apart’. And for someone who struggles with anxiety, chiiiiiilllleee. I just need to know what to do next!

I’ve turned to friends but I don’t feel as though I’ve been able to truly explain or express the amount of confusion and angst I’ve been dealing with. I keep getting the same, legitimate but frustrating, advice of having patience. Have I not been patient? It wasn’t until one of my friends, who had gone through a similar situation, compared my silent season to a traveler without a map. Following his words I imagined myself in a boat sitting in the middle of the ocean. My goal is to reach land, an unseen destination because into the distance all I can visualize is more water and a horizon meeting the sky. Between my current position and the land lie the possibility of experiencing things like hurricanes, pirates, and sea creatures alike: scenarios that could wipe me clean out. So I sit in this boat in the middle of the ocean confused, scared and anxious because I don’t want to experience the possibility of failing my mission. I sit in this boat in the middle of the ocean crying out for God’s help. And I keep sitting…afraid to make a move because I just want to make God proud, & I don’t want to fail Him (or myself). This is precisely me. The last time I lived following my own plan I found myself depressed, making poor choices, trying to fill voids. Y’all, I’m still working through the consequences of my actions from 2011-2014 so I surely don’t want to add to the mess. But out of fear, I’ve been stagnant. I’ve been sitting for months hoping God would give me direction not realizing He’s already given me the tools & opportunities I need to live according to His will. Not realizing I’m in the exact place He wants me to be in. Not realizing He’s given me free will, and all I have to do is just make a move because He’s going to be with me and be there for me, whichever decision I make. (Deuteronomy 31:8 NIV. The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”). I’ve been so caught up with doing what is right and full of fear that I wasn’t doing anything at all. 

Just how the traveler will never make it to land by staying out in the middle of the ocean, I’ll never accomplish my goals by remaining fearful & indecisive. Though I momentarily can’t hear God and can’t see which direction my choices will lead, I have to have faith in knowing His will will be done. But more importantly I have to have the confidence in knowing He’s there every step of the way. I can’t get caught up in fear of what’s to come. I mean, let’s face it y’all, even if I would have tried something and failed at least I would have learned how it shouldn’t be done. 

Now I will still press into God, fall to my knees & seek his guidance. But the confusion and anxiety from not hearing Him will have to GO. As my friend declared, “This is your[my] ‘walk by faith; not by sight’ moment” and I will have to continue to be patient in it. This is my moment to take action, and act upon every desire that He’s placed upon my heart. So if you see me acting up a bit, just know I’m starting to live my life… And I’m just getting started!