Drive The Boat

It’s difficult to articulate but the more I have shared my thoughts with other people the clearer my words have become. Almost every aspect of my life is fluid right now, it’s movements are slow and easily changing. At times I feel like I’m drowning, other times I’m walking on water. The one thing that has remained is my relationship with God — in fact, it’s actually strengthening. I knew this [birth] year was going to be ‘interesting’ simply because of how 2019 ended. It wasn’t a bad ending, it was freeing and great for my soul primarily because what happened had been prolonged for years. I had began a new season of life, reached a new level. But with this new level came new challenges requiring a new me (New year, new me headahh).

I’ve matured to where all I want to do is live according to God’s plan. With each recent change I’ve looked to Him, prayerful and asking for direction & clarification, only to not receive a response. & After going months of having one ended conversations, I still have yet to receive instruction for my next move. Ive been doing what I normally do— I pray, attend YouTube Church of God in Christ, praise & wait. STILL NOTHING. I can’t hear His voice. Like, God, we’ve been good up to this point. Why leave me now? Especially when my life is ‘falling apart’. And for someone who struggles with anxiety, chiiiiiilllleee. I just need to know what to do next!

I’ve turned to friends but I don’t feel as though I’ve been able to truly explain or express the amount of confusion and angst I’ve been dealing with. I keep getting the same, legitimate but frustrating, advice of having patience. Have I not been patient? It wasn’t until one of my friends, who had gone through a similar situation, compared my silent season to a traveler without a map. Following his words I imagined myself in a boat sitting in the middle of the ocean. My goal is to reach land, an unseen destination because into the distance all I can visualize is more water and a horizon meeting the sky. Between my current position and the land lie the possibility of experiencing things like hurricanes, pirates, and sea creatures alike: scenarios that could wipe me clean out. So I sit in this boat in the middle of the ocean confused, scared and anxious because I don’t want to experience the possibility of failing my mission. I sit in this boat in the middle of the ocean crying out for God’s help. And I keep sitting…afraid to make a move because I just want to make God proud, & I don’t want to fail Him (or myself). This is precisely me. The last time I lived following my own plan I found myself depressed, making poor choices, trying to fill voids. Y’all, I’m still working through the consequences of my actions from 2011-2014 so I surely don’t want to add to the mess. But out of fear, I’ve been stagnant. I’ve been sitting for months hoping God would give me direction not realizing He’s already given me the tools & opportunities I need to live according to His will. Not realizing I’m in the exact place He wants me to be in. Not realizing He’s given me free will, and all I have to do is just make a move because He’s going to be with me and be there for me, whichever decision I make. (Deuteronomy 31:8 NIV. The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”). I’ve been so caught up with doing what is right and full of fear that I wasn’t doing anything at all. 

Just how the traveler will never make it to land by staying out in the middle of the ocean, I’ll never accomplish my goals by remaining fearful & indecisive. Though I momentarily can’t hear God and can’t see which direction my choices will lead, I have to have faith in knowing His will will be done. But more importantly I have to have the confidence in knowing He’s there every step of the way. I can’t get caught up in fear of what’s to come. I mean, let’s face it y’all, even if I would have tried something and failed at least I would have learned how it shouldn’t be done. 

Now I will still press into God, fall to my knees & seek his guidance. But the confusion and anxiety from not hearing Him will have to GO. As my friend declared, “This is your[my] ‘walk by faith; not by sight’ moment” and I will have to continue to be patient in it. This is my moment to take action, and act upon every desire that He’s placed upon my heart. So if you see me acting up a bit, just know I’m starting to live my life… And I’m just getting started!