A part of me wants to apologize for not sticking to my original plan of monthly posts, while another is okay with giving myself grace and allowing this choice of flexibility. I’ll choose to accept both contrasting thoughts and recognize the simultaneous duality of the two.
With that being said, hello and welcome back.
We’re just shy of two years since the last post. I’ve opened my notepad on several occasions to get this post together, but could never quite finish it. I always felt like something was missing. Its release felt premature. Glad I listened to myself because I’ve finally come to know that the teacher hadn’t finished His lesson.
So much has changed. For starters, I’ve gained a new obsession — it’s so simple, yet so comforting! I’ve been watching Waiting to Exhale, the movie directed by Forest Whitaker, non-stop. It’s like a weekly thing, sometimes multiple times a week. I am already aware that watching Waiting to Exhale is not one’s typical vice to achieve consolation. Four women navigating the normal struggles of life, bonding over their difficulties of finding and staying in healthy romantic relationships…? Dating married men? Throwing oranges at a drug addict from a balcony? Getting divorced because your husband is leaving you for his mistress after you sacrificed your dreams to be his lover and secretary for eleven years?… Without doubt this film does not fall into the light-hearted, warm and fuzzy category. It’s melodramatic for sure. But it has been comforting, for me.
I’ve also discovered that there isn’t an easy way to move through grief. There are days when I am completely fine, filled with gratitude that I have memories to cherish. There are days when I am equitably angry, filled with sadness as my prayers to time travel go unanswered. Then, there are days when I experience a combination of it all and believe things happened the way they needed to. I’ve discovered that grief is a childish menace, playing this one sided game of hide and seek — it chooses to camouflage itself in the most ordinary spots, patiently waiting to be found by the unaware “seeker”. It hides in your favorite movie, an ice cream cone, or a simple act of brushing your hair. & when found it triggers a vivid evocation reminding you of what is no longer. So you have to take it day by day, & allow yourself to become more comfortable with its presence.
Life has been life-ing. Time really doesn’t wait for anyone. It continues to move no matter what you are going through, no matter what emotional state you are in, no matter what. It’s a constant transition. Sometimes you’re able to move with the current, and other times the waves crash against you.
Waiting to Exhale has been the theme of my life since my last post. Now, don’t read into that thinking I’ve been away soley because of some issues in my romantic life like the characters in the movie. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves now. Besides, I promised myself years ago to never again dishonor myself for a little romance (& I have a ring to prove it!) But like I said, life has been life-ing. So many transitions, and all at once. God told me to hang on & stay close to Him,and I had to do what I was told. I’m so glad that I listened, & was confident in knowing He was going to be here through it all. I’ve moved, changed jobs twice, received raises & promotions, found a new therapist, experienced a little romance, gained some weight, lost some weight, lost loved ones, gained new friends, improved old relationships…. literally nothing in my life is the same. I’ve had to take inventory of who is in my life, what is in my life, my habits …everything.
I’m happy to be back to myself though, no longer fighting against the current. As Bernadine said to Gloria, “here’s to peace of mind and all the happiness your heart and hand can hold cause Lord knows you deserve it.”
I can finally breathe.
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